Wednesday headlines

MICHAEL DOUGLAS – may lose the ability to speak after his 8 weeks of chemo for throat cancer. So if you need an A-list star in your movie about a mummy, send the script to Michael Douglas. (the sun)

SANDRA BULLOCK – says there is no chance at a reconciliation with Jesse James, who has taken the hint and started dating Kat Von D. It’s just like the last time I got dumped, except instead of banging new stray pussy, I carved FATTY into my arm and cried a lot. (popeater)

LINDSAY LOHAN – has been offered $1 million by OK! magazine for her first interview out of rehab. Is she in a good place now? Is the media always lying about her, and does she just want to concentrate on work now? I wonder what she’ll say. I bet it’s surprising. (hollywood reporter)

MEGAN FOX – sometimes borrows shirts, like the Star Wars one pictured, from her 8-year-old step-son. Which is why I mailed her step-son a fishnet tank top. (daily mail)