al gore says he didnt do it

It was June 23rd when the Enquirer broke the story that Al Gore was accused of “sexually attacking” a masseuse in Portland, and since then it’s been national news and now police have even reopened the case, but for some reason Gore didn’t think it was important to deny any of this until today. It’s savvy PR instincts like this that led him all the way to the Presiden oh wait never mind. People magazine says…

“Further investigation into this matter will only benefit Mr. Gore,” says family spokesperson Kalee Kreider. “The Gores cannot comment on every defamatory, misleading and inaccurate story generated by tabloids. Mr. Gore unequivocally and emphatically denied this accusation when he first learned of its existence three years ago. He stands by that denial.”

I’m really tired of having politicians who are complete fucking nerds. American politicians used to be so cool. Andrew Jackson killed at least 13 people in duels and when an assassin walked up to him with a gun in each hand, Jackson nearly beat him to death with a stick. George Washington was built like Shaq, he was a fucking giant, and such an unstoppable badass that the Indians called him the “Devourer of Villages.” Theodore Roosevelt carried a gun at all times, boxed and practiced jiu jitsu, and by that I mean while he was President, inside the White House. Why jiu jitsu? Well because it’s useful when “killing or disabling our adversary” of course, or at least that’s what the dangerous lunatic wrote in this letter.

Flash forward to today and Al Gore can’t even attempt to get a handjob without fucking it up beyond all comprehension. What are the odds he can even throw a football without looking like a complete queer. God this is so humiliating. We should elect Brock Lesnar, then sit back and watch him go to all the other countries and yell at everyone.