tuesday afternoon headlines

POINTLESS NUDITY – Playboy model Tiffany Ryan is short, skinny, and has huge breasts. If she were Asian with dark red hair she’d be the perfect human girl, a quantum leap in genetic evolution, an event so without precedent that many would claim she was a god, and her arrival was a sign that the rapture had begun and the end of days was upon us. Luckily she’s white. We really dodged a bullet. (foundry)

WE ARE THE WORLD – was rerecorded yesterday to raise money for Haiti. The original was recorded in 1985, and is credited for Africa’s amazing transformation into the booming high tech metropolis we know today. (us.com)

SANDRA BULLOCK – is of course married to Jesse James, who used to be married to porn star Janine Lindemulder, who is currently in a halfway house for parole violations. Jesse and Janine have a 6yo daughter who lives with Jesse and Sandra full time, and today Janine was denied visitation rights. I know what you’re thinking: “How the hell did a story with so many interesting elements get so god damn boring.” Yeah I was surprised too. (e online)

MICHAEL JACKSON – The doctor who drugged Jackson just before he died will be arrested any time now and charged with involuntary manslaughter. The doctor has been meeting with his attorneys all week to arrange his surrender and also to see if he can bill Jackson for this time. (pop eater)