RONALDO IS LUCKY TO BE ALIVE

Soccer superstar Cristiano Ronaldo obliterated his $300,000 Ferrari early this morning after losing control in a two-lane tunnel near Manchester Airport.  No other cars were involved and no one was hurt, including Ronaldo, who somehow walked away without a scratch and even practiced with his team just a few hours later.  The Sun says…

Ronaldo was travelling through a two-lane tunnel at Manchester Airport when he hit the wall – sending parts of the barrier flying across the dual carriageway.Ronaldo was able to get out of the vehicle himself and was spoken to by police at the scene after the smash at 10.20am.A witness said: "The front of Ronaldo's car was completely mangled. There was metal all over the road and debris – and we had to dodge our way through it.  Ronaldo was just standing at the side of the road looking forlorn and bewildered.”

Oh this poor man. I just hope he can find some solace tonight when he rolls around in piles of money with many many beautiful ladies.  That’s what I would do if I needed some cheering up.  Sort of.  Not exactly that, but like, the other day, my crushing loneliness got the best of me and I followed two girls around a Vons for like 20 minutes, then when they asked me what I thought I was doing, I said, "umm, yeah, that’s what she said."  Then I said, "Yeeaahhh, Up top" and stuck up my hand for a high five from the guy behind me in line, who unfortunately didn’t seem to know what I was doing.