Bartolo Colon Big Sexy and Making Babies

It’s no shock that rich and famous people get special treatment in the court system. Mets super tubby pitcher Bartolo Colon arranged for the Manhattan court to agree to label his paternity and child support civil suit as Anonymous v. Anonymous in the public record. Colon then decided to save a buck by representing himself in the case, causing his real name to be registered as the counsel, alerting every journalist in New York to his pending case.

Colon is being sued by Alexandra Santos in Washington Heights who claimed she had a long term relationship with Colon outside of his twenty-year ongoing marriage to a less attractive woman. Her proof — two chunky grade schoolers who look a shitload like Bartolo Colon. Also the testimony of her neighbors who all agreed that Colon used to come by on the regular to chub fuck Santos. Santos doesn’t think her kids should be forced to eat the generic chicharrón any longer:

Mr. Colon obviously is a very talented baseball player and he earns a significant income, and we believe that his children should share in the lifestyle they would have enjoyed had their parents remained together.

Colon continues to be one of the most beloved athletes despite his absentee fathering and a 50-game steroid suspension. The sole reason — he’s fat. Fat people are jolly, happy go lucky, balls of stuffing. Villains are invariably slender. Nothing says sinister like deciding not to over-eat. St. Nick’s early 50’s myocardial infarction ought to have nixed the lovable Santa archetype long ago. Not so fast. Body shaming isn’t as wide spread as Twitter would make you believe. Watch this fat fuck hit a home run. It’s simply adorable.

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