Jessica Alba Backpedaling With Locally Grown Gluten-Free Cocoa and Tits

Jessica Alba’s Honest Company has taken a hit of late from various lawsuits and negative press reports related to producing their all-natural products in the late Union Carbide pesticide factory in Bhopal. A strategic error perhaps but the rents are amazing. Hazmat suits come with each lip balm. Yes, they’re supposed to turn purple and fall off in six weeks. It makes your face look sleeker.

As the face and body of the Honest Company, everybody holding options in the pre-IPO firm is desperately counting on Alba to turn things around with some amazingly insipid videos where she smiles a lot and makes you feel okay. Not as okay as if she smiles a lot with her top off, but this is primarily aimed at women working on class action lawsuit filings.

Hmm, that was great. Your desk is amazing. Gluten and dairy free cocoa and it’s made right here in California? Who cares if my children have malignant pustules on their genitals. Let bygones be bygones. You seem super nice. AIG got $85 billion in bailout and their CEO looked like shit. We got your back, Now, about those tits? I’m asking for the Attorney General.

_{Photo Credit: Instyle Magazine}