Taylor Swift Has An Admirer

The problem with stalking Taylor Swift is she’ll only bang you for one magazine cover cycle, and then only if you’re slightly outweighing her in popularity. To be fair fucking your stalker would garner a lot of headlines, and it was the plot of nearly every movie in the 90’s. Some guy named Joseph Bernatche showed up at Taylor Swift’s Rhode Island mansion and asked her to marry him. Who has a mansion in Rhode Island, what are you Scrooge McDuck?

Just recently he was arrested for standing in the middle of the street and showing his dick to a passing car. Who really calls the cops on that, it’s hilarious. Fucking Rhode Island prudes. Women will soon be able to go topless. It’s unclear if the right to go bottomless will ensue. If you think about it, it’s pretty insane that it’s illegal to show a part of your body in public. Humans didn’t evolve clothes for warmth. We evolved clothes because if there was a post office full of naked people you’d have no desire to fuck ever again and the species would die out. Nonetheless it just doesn’t seem fair to this stalker guy who is clearly a huge cut up. Bernatche explained his reasoning to the police, as he wanted to: 

“Expose the difference between sex and love.”

Holy shit that’s better than any of Taylor Swift’s lyrics. This guy’s a real catch, insightful, and a talented song writer. Put this whole stalking thing behind you and the two of you go make some Nazi babies. You’ll laugh about this a few years from now after the divorce. You can’t dump the babies though. 

Photo Credit: Instagram