Mariah Carey Can’t Release

Mariah Carey is launching her own investigation into the conspiracy of events that led her to to a lip-synch fail on national television on New Year’s Eve. Carey’s determination to get to the bottom of things follows a vaunted history of annoying egomaniacs searching for the real reason they’re enormous assholes.

Carey’s working theory is that Dick Clark Productions intentionally fucked up her audio playback to make her look like a disoriented aging fat tool and garner controversy for their telecast. The people at Dick Clark Production responded with a, “Is she high?” Photos of Carey shopping a Colorado dispensary on Christmas appeared to answer the question.

Mariah Carey is the classic example of the performer unable to leave the stage. Why are you scraping so hard to keep your nails on the ledge? Restrictive girdles and fake gay boyfriends and embarrassing stage gaffes isn’t how you want to end this. Buy a straight dude who doesn’t say “eww” when you tell him kitty needs her milk. Also, a Hometown Buffet you move part and parcel to your new private island. Meat and pudding bar with no wait. You’ve earned this. Let go, tubby. Bumbles bounce.

_{Photo credit: FameFlynet}