Poor Britney

Does anyone really care about a 40 yo pop star who ruled the charts before the internet existed, and sold-out shows in Las Vegas until she didn’t? Britney Spears is still under the thumb of her father, apparently, and in some world she’s worth millions; but according to Page Six and others, on this planet she can’t even mate without a court order.

Spears has sold over 100 million records and yet still has to ask her parents for the keys to the car. Those tweeting #freebritney are quick to blame dad James and mom Lynn – not to be confused with sister Jamie Lynn (shows how fuctup these peeps are) – and NSS, that sort of narcissism doesn’t grow in a vacuum. I imagine they told the judge overseeing her conservatorship that, since they created Britney one warm and lusty night, why shouldn’t they milk that cow even after she’s been put to pasture?

A fading hottie who used to shake her ass for money sounds alot like Cortney Stodden – except that imp fleeced a few men on the way to stardom she never earned. If only Britney had gone the Sugar Daddy route like Stodden instead of listening to vampiric parents, she would be free to snort coke and cut herself bald (again), and avoid greasy, white mechanics like Kevin Federline – and we wouldn’t have to Google legal terms like “conservatorship”.