How to Transition, by E. Page

Here’s some pointers to consider before you undertake a gender transition:

1. Announce on Instagram

2. Choose a cutesy name that coyly reflects your birth name; bc although transitioning to another gender is the most important decision in your life, and has a drastic impact on the lives of your family and friends, that doesn’t mean it can’t be ironic and fun

3. Underline your newfound masculinity by wearing a trucker hat

4. Let your employers know that you expect to return to the roles you held before the transition – even if you were hired for a particular appearance or skill-set that you’ve now lost (e.g. the ability to appreciate women’s basketball). You’re making a big change in your life, it’s only fair that the world changes itself around you

5. Tell everyone how happy you are – as opposed to any happiness you previously expressed through years of social media, rocking a different gender, which apparently wasn’t TRUE happiness, but now it is

6. Reinforce how discrimination for your new gender, or the transition itself, is rampant so you are instantly victim and potential savior to your new tribe

Because nothing says you stand for something like whining about it on the day you land. Maybe it’s like coming out as a Browns fan, that you feel the need to apologize and conversely throw-down with any detractors the moment you convert.

There must be a way to do this with grace and humility, but that may be too much to ask of an attention-seeking solipsist. The Wachowskis transitioned without a press release, and if the 4th Matrix movie she’s directing is even half as good as the first, no-one will give a ff whether she sits or