Gnarly. Shaun White A Douchebag, But Not For Sexual Assault

Anyone watching the Olympics last night knows first and foremost that North Korean figure skaters are only allowed to pick outfits inspired by Tron, and secondly that snowboarder Shaun White is probably the biggest douchebag in the world. He’s a late-to-the-game Gen X-er who is moved to tears by his own success and says things like “gnarly.” If he was a surfer he would say “tubular” and if he was a skateboarder he would be Bart Simpson. I think he actually voiced all of the original Ninja Turtles. Anyway the thirty-one-year-old White – who nabbed his third gold medal yesterday in a fake sporting event – isn’t making headlines for being insufferable, and is instead making the rounds for, you guessed it, sexual assault allegations. Anyone in the world right now is only three degrees separated from being exposed as a rapist, and while in my wildest dreams White would actually be an offender and have his medals stripped away (“tots bummer brah”) it sounds like the allegations – to which he defended himself against during a press conference yesterday – are “so bogus dude.”

While responding to a question from an ABC reporter about the assault allegations White faced in 2016, White offended the masses with what we in 2018 can file under “victim shaming lite:”

I’m here to talk about the Olympics, not gossip and stuff. I am who I am, and I am proud of who I am. My friends, you know, love me and vouch for me and I think that stands on its own.

After a fierce and vapid backlash, White took to the Today show this morning to share his apology, stating that he made a:

…poor choice of words to describe such a sensitive subject. I was so overwhelmed with just wanting to talk about how amazing today was and share my experience. I’ve grown as a person over the years. It’s amazing how life works and twists and turns and lessons learned. Every experience in my life I feel like it’s taught me a lesson. I definitely feel like I am a much more changed person than I was when I was younger. I am proud of who I am today.

In two separate statements White proclaimed that he’s proud of who he is, which should really be the offense that we’re focusing on. Faux Gen freaking X. White is I guess in a band, and his bandmate Lena Zawaideh filed a lawsuit against him in 2016, claiming that he stuck his hand down his pants in front of her and pushed it forward to simulate an erection, that he made her watch porn involving poop, and that he forced her to change her appearance for the band’s performances. Among other allegations. White denied everything – with his lawyer literally called the allegations “bogus” – and he and Zawaideh settled out of court.

As I’ve stated on here many times, the public only has a certain amount of fucks to give, and each time a stunt ho comes forward with stunt ho allegations, he or she is only taking the spotlight away from actual victims with actual stories to tell. The breadth of the spotlight is not infinite, and right now Zawaideh is taking up more than her fair share. This recent smoke and mirrors controversy surrounding White’s use of the word “gossip” at a press conference is only one more nail in the #MeToo coffin. In the probable words of White – “Quit icing my grill man.”

Shaun White on if he thinks the sexual harassment allegations against him will tarnish his legacy: “You know, honestly, here to talk about the Olympics, not gossip.” pic.twitter.com/45I1DjTB2u

— USA TODAY Sports (@usatodaysports) February 14, 2018

In response to my question whether sexual harassment claims against him would tarnish his legacy, @shaunwhite said he wouldn’t answer the question, called the allegations against him “gossip.” @cbrennansports notes not single female reporter allowed to ask a question at presser pic.twitter.com/sZAjmkchYj

— Matt Gutman (@mattgutmanABC) February 14, 2018

 Photo Credit: Instagram / Youtube