Matt Damon Sorry He Ever Opened His Adorable Little Mouth

Matt Damon has come to the conclusion that he should never speak again in public.

This could’ve been hailed a huge step forward for the rest of us. But it was merely Damon’s seventeenth apology to women for being a man. Also for saying a couple months ago that rapists shouldn’t be conflated with guys who pat women on the ass at the office. While we all know that to be true, it was pretty tone deaf thing to say in the Age of the Brentwood Inquisitions. Like yelling Jesus Sucks during mass. Bad juju. You’ve got detention.

Damon’s forced out into the lady media of late promoting his movie Downsizing which not a single soul has seen outside of those forced to watch for work, or to get laid. Knowing he’d be asked about the rising tide of #MeToo since his last gaffe, Damon prepped a doozy for Kathie Lee on the Today Show. You know, where Matt Lauer used to work without pants:

“A lot of those women are my dear friends and I love them and respect them and support what they’re doing and want to be a part of that change and want to go along for the ride, but I should get in the back seat and close my mouth for a while.”

Not two seconds later, Damon opened his mouth again to add more apologetic notes toward the women he doesn’t want blacklisting him. He doesn’t need them for his career at this point, but his wife still needs to go to Pilates and charity balls. You don’t want people whispering behind your back in Versace.

Damon has to be feeling lost. He’s definitely a pat women on the ass guy on his chart of relative offenses toward the apparently helpless gender. He must wonder why he’s backpedaling like a rapist. But like his best character ever in the Talented Mr. Ripley, Damon is a survivor. He’ll do what needs to be done to remain under the radar. Also, he’s gay. What? Strike that.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News