First Mall Brawl Signals Start of Crazy Women Shopping Season (VIDEO)

Nobody knows exactly when women decided to start pulling each other’s hair and trampling each other’s minor children at mall stores a mere hours after putting away ten pounds of Thanksgiving dinner, but it’s become an essential piece of post-Rockwell Americana. A seasonal harbinger that the three month long retail journey to Christmas is nearly sixty-three percent complete.

There’s something to be said for venturing to the mall in the pitch dark to save twenty nine bucks on Christmas shopping, and that something is almost entirely related to the Seven Deadly Sins. Psychologists have studied the phenomenon, then quit their research because the answers were simply too depressing. If ISIS really wanted to destroy the Great Satan, they’d encourage Black Friday to occur every Friday. Simply sit back and watch the purchasing compulsion of the shopping set destroy their dignity and Christian spirit in one five am Walmart riot.

The first official Black Friday brawl of 2017 broke out at an Alabama mall late Thursday night. The Greatest Generation fought for the liberation of Europe and the Pacific from Axis power tyranny. These ladies fought over a blender that also juices and hair pins that glow under black light.

Inevitably, Black Friday will continue with more trampling, stampedes, and the first shopping death of the season. Typically an older woman there with her adult daughter looking to save eleven dollars on an essential hair care item for Cousin Shirley. It’s the consumer horde version of Star Trek’s Taste of Armageddon. Everybody report to the disintegration booths. It’s the box store where nobody speaks English.