Ben Affleck And His Vagina Talk

In addition to packing on fifty pounds over the past decade, Ben Affleck also seems to have packed on a vagina, and he and his puss continued their “The things we would have done if we had known about Weinstein. Grrr” tour with an appearance Thursday on The Late Show and another one Friday morning on Today. His poor vagina is literally working around the clock. Something he has in common with Bella Hadid. Last night Affleck was confronted by Stephen Colbert about the time he groped A-list superstar with nothing to gain Hilarie Burton, and Affleck queefed a carefully-crafted canned response that recuses himself of the situation just enough to point out that, across the board, men are terrible. Due to his vagina, he only somewhat categories himself as one of these terrible men. He’s one of them, but like, woke. And with a pussy:   

What I was accused of by a woman [Hilarie Burton] was of touching her breast while giving her a hug. I don’t remember it, but I absolutely apologized for it. I certainly don’t think she’s lying or making it up. It’s just the kind of thing we have to as men, as we become more aware of this, be more mindful of our behavior and hold ourselves accountable and say, ‘If I was ever part of the problem, I want to change. I want to be part of the solution.’ And to not shy away from these awkward or strange encounters we might have have had.

Just what all women want to hear. That their tits weren’t memorable. And that a situation that left a lasting impression on them was just a Tuesday for the man. Affleck continues to talk about the insidious male privilege that fueled his entire career while also pimping out his starring role as Batvagina in this weekend’s Justice League. But all his proceeds go to charities benefiting victims of domestic abuse. Kidding. The money will be funneled into his food budget which has apparently become astronomical.  

While Affleck’s conversation with Colbert played out more or less like that of any perpetrator of a groping that occurred forty decades ago, he was definitely on his menstrual cycle while chit chatting with Savannah Guthrie on Today. She pressed him about his relationship with Harvey Weinstein, which was severed after he got wind that Weinstein wasn’t a totally standup guy. But Affleck didn’t know about the sexual misconduct. If he did, oh boy, the things he would have done. Grrr:     

I knew [Weinstein] was sleazy and kind of a bully. [I] stopped working with Harvey a long time ago. The only thing I can think to do is give my residuals from my Harvey movies to a couple of organizations that are making a difference. It’s a way for me to feel better about that early stage in my career when I made the movies with him.

The most important thing for everyone involved in the Weinstein scandal is that Affleck feels better about himself, and I’m sure everyone’s relieved that he was able to make that happen. Phew. It’s like the raping never occurred. Everyone on some level knows when someone around them is a gropey rapey perv. But escalating this insight beyond office water cooler fodder or in Hollywood’s case, candlelit casting bathtub fodder, wasn’t at the forefront of people’s minds even a couple years ago. The more Affleck practically begs us to believe him, the more his previous knowledge of Weinstein’s actions becomes glaringly apparent. There are things we all could have done to make our workplaces less gross over the years, but we didn’t do them, and now moving forward, more of us will. Affleck’s knowledge wouldn’t matter if he would just stop lying to himself and the world through incessant interviews. And stop being such an all around crusty dried out pussy.

^{Photo Credit: NBC}