Time for Susan Boyle to Move

Susan Boyle is that doughy autistic janitor from Scotland who dazzled audiences on Britain’s Got Talent in 2009 when she was brought on as the inspirational story to belt out some operatic tunes. Simon Cowell cried, but mostly because Cowell was in the process of fucking his best friend’s wife and worried he’d be found out. That’s pressure. 

Boyle wasn’t a surprise sensation in reality as she’d been singing like a songbird for years. Only her various psychological limitations and meek family circumstances had kept her limited to the local church groups. Some canny promoter got her on an international tour after her BGT viral sensation. She promptly became overwhelmed and ended up having Rain Man breakdowns in various airports across Europe. Somebody somewhere stepped in and got her back to her previous simple life in her lifelong tiny house in Scotland. 

Reports are now surfacing that Boyle is a regular and routine victim of local teen delinquents who find amusement in tossing ignited shit at her as she passes, calling her a fat bitch, and harassing the fuck out of her with rocks and insults. The police don’t seem to give a fuck because teen hooligan are something of a national treasure. They’re on the flag. Boyle is an easy target since she’s the rare combo of famous yet completely defenseless. You never see celebrities walking by themselves through rougher working class neighborhoods. Rocks to the face is the answer as to why.

Whoever got Boyle off her worldwide tour needs to step back in and move her the fuck out of West Lothian. Get her South on the M6 only stopping for Wapner and scones. Find an aristocratic community where millionaires live and they suicide vest profile the fuck out of visitors. Boyle might like the quiet life in her simple Scottish home but if she dies from teen bullying, we all have to reflect on the horribleness of human nature. Nobody needs that. Lock her up somewhere super nice with Spotify premium. 

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