Hayley Hasselhoff Gets A DUI

There are two valid reasons to be asleep at the wheel of your car on the side of the freeway at four am. You’ve been working triple shifts to make ends meet for the family or you’re wasted drunk. Hayley Hasselhoff hasn’t collectively worked a single shift.

Hasselhoff was found passed out on an off-ramp on the 101 freeway dead asleep in her car. Fortunately for her spinal column, she passed out with her foot on the brake. A gas pedal napper you rarely come back from. For a hoot, the responding cops ran Hasselhoff through a field sobriety test. Somebody has to have the record for lowest score ever. She was arrested.

If the plan is to spoil the shit out of your kids because you can, you’ve got to invent fake jobs for them to reduce their boredom drug and alcohol consumption. Arranging for your daughter to be in a Sharknado cameo every eighteen months is fake, but not a fake job. How hard was your nine seconds in Guardians of the Galaxy? Not hard enough that you couldn’t 501(c)(3) an AIDS Foundation and put your daughter in charge. The life your most likely to save is hers. For the cost of a second floor office mid-Wilshire and one secretary. Minuscule compared to a civil lawsuit if she Bruce Jenners an old lady on PCH.

You didn’t give Hayley your soap opera looks or your fit physique, the least you can do is a guaranteed salary and grab up some aging TV stars for her Wolfgang Puck catered fundraisers twice a year. You’ve long since passed the time to make her useful, this is all about risk management.

_{Photo Credit: @hhasselhoff / Instagram}