Lindsay Lohan Backs Trump and Islam

Lindsay Lohan comes with a message of peace. Allahu Akbar. Lohan’s been studying the sacred text as she Lord Jim’s her way ever Eastward escaping humiliating events and landlords of her past.

“I’ve studied the Quran for quite some time. It’s a process to convert to anything. I respect all religions…it’s a beautiful religion and I am a very spiritual person…it’s something I’ve been studying. You can’t just convert overnight to a religion.”

As with many in the Middle East, the Quran is the only book she’s picked up in the past two decades. Lohan claims her new found discovery of Islam has left her scared to return to the United States. Also, there’s the small matter of a cocaine dealer named Rico for whom the Muslim teachings of forgiveness have yet to sink in.

Nevertheless, Lohan put her entire future professional acting in Hollywood career, or approximately zero dollars, on the line by suggesting that President Trump be given a chance to succeed. Lohan herself knows the toll that negative media scrutiny plays on a person merely trying to get loaded and start a boat motor:

I think always in the public eye you’re going to get scrutinized. He is the president — we have to join him. If you can’t beat him, join him.

It is worth noting how the most insane media figures are speaking the most moderately in regards to the new President while the self-described intellectuals are igniting their vaginas on fire and spewing devil possessed head spinning rants. 

Lohan encouraged the President to come visit the Syrian refugee camps as she did herself for almost twenty-seven minutes once in Turkey for a photo-op and see if he doesn’t soften his opinion. Again, perhaps the most grounded response from an actress regarding Trump and Syrian refugees yet dispensed. Perhaps all this Quran studying really had enlightened Lohan. Though fifty-fifty it’s merely a ruse to explode a suicide vest at a bar in Long Island where she used to find her dad hitting on women not her mom.

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