Jared Fogle Fattens Up

It’s hard out here for a pimp. It’s even harder in there for a pedophile. Every time you start to think the American criminal justice system is broken, an uplifting story comes along and proves you wrong. Reports have surfaced that Subway Jared Fogle has packed on thirty pounds in prison. Being able to consume enough prison gruel to gain that much weight clears up how Fogle was able to survive on the outside on a diet exclusively comprised of plastic bologna and stale bread. Fogle’s weight gain is said to be the result of “stress-eating.” All eating in prison is stress-eating.

Fellow prisoners have been taunting the tubby toddler toucher, calling him “chomo,” short for “child molester.” In one incident, another inmate called Fogle a “dirty child rapist.” A witness reported that when Fogle tried to stand up for himself,

“The [other] inmate slapped him across the cheeks several times and made his face red. Jared just stood there stunned, then ran out of the gym.”

A feel-good story if ever there was one. You got some prison mayonnaise on your face there, Jared.

Photo credit: CNN.com