Jughead Is Asexual, I Knew It

We used to just say Archie Comics was gay, not it’s in the byline. Like many rebooted comics of days past, the comic is now tackling modern teen social issues by insisting that everybody in high school is somewhere in the LGBT klatch. Or wishes they were. A few years ago Archie took a bullet from a homophobe and died as often happens in school hallways between periods. Gay friendly dead hero Archie served as some temporary diversity boost for the languishing label. Times being what they are, gay martyrdom is very last year. So now Jughead announced he is asexual. It’s interesting because you had to look it up.

Unlike most guys in high school who simply couldn’t get laid, Jughead doesn’t want to get laid. It does seem like a simpler life. Also a solid pedophile cover. Scores of readers who identify as asexual came out to cheer the Jughead news. Imagine how fun that party is. I’m certain there are some teens born without the desire to reproduce, but species tend not to do well in the absence of fornication. It has to be relatively miniscule. I think you’re confusing your obsession with manga with asexuality. Practically the same, but technically quite different. It’s time to introduce the school therapist character who gets to the bottom of the eighty percent non-hetero stats at Riverdale. I bet they find politics in the drinking fountains.

Photo credit: Archie Comics