The Oscars Enact Racial Quotas

The Motion Picture Academy met criticism that they’re too white by dropping to their knees and begging Oprah and Caesar Chavez’ second cousin for forgiveness. George Clooney is still deciding if they will accept or not. They were going to apologize to the Chinese but then remembered nobody in the major media gives a fuck about Asians. They’re quiet and love math and don’t bitch too much. Though they are the single most underrepresented demographic in Hollywood film production. The more you know.

The Academy met in emergency White Privilege session to announce they will be seeking to double the number of ‘diverse’ members by 2020. Also, the Oscar statue itself will be recast to look remarkably like LeVar Burton. This is clearly a bad day for the caucasian Academy members who will be booted to make room for the checklist of census demographic categories plus one selection made annually by Caitlyn Jenner. Quotas are an ineffective solution to a complicated problem inevitably resorted to when fearful white people are charged loudly enough with racism. Laugh at Jada Pinkett Smith and her adorable gay husband all you want, they won. Next year the Oscars will find a way to work in two of four Tyler Perry movies, a Mexican film featuring a guy who used to be in Menudo, and some cat whose African name nobody can pronounce. Victory will be declared. Fuck the Asians. Let them get their own Spike Lee. Cowardice remains charming.