Britney Spear Walks Into a Pole

Britney Spears walked into a pole on New Year’s Eve. That explains the bruise on her head, but not why she looks like a Polish cleaning lady who had superior healthcare before perestroika. Have you noticed how the best selfies aren’t taken under hospital examination room lights? Spears pointed out the completely believable cause of the injury on social media before rumors began swirling about how she really got that forehead shiner. You’re hiding something, Spears. Say his name in pig Latin like you did when you were little. God I hope that’s a turtleneck.

Photo credit: Britney Spears Instagram