Trump Wins Before It Starts

I’m not watching a Republican Presidential Debate because a week of afternoon television for fat women has taught me to love myself more than that. I’ll boldly predict Donald Trump the winner over the other nine guys who you’d never pick to be on your dodgeball team even after you were left with only the scoliosis kids. The Trump phenomenon is easy to explain. He’s got himself into Special Ed and he’s able to spell the word muffin without giggling and shitting his pants. There are two types of archetypal males who thrive in modern society. The handsome athletic types who women want to fuck and men want to be like. They’ve always done well. And now the braniac nerds who’ve turned autism into gold. You want to kick their ass, but you know they could spill your porn history to the world in three clicks or less. These candidates are neither fish or fowl. Many of them not even the alphas of their own clans. Say some pejorative shit about Mexicans. Call welfare recipients a bunch of leeching smokers, you know they are. You’ve already won, Trump. This is your victory lap.

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