Amber Heard Seems Too Happy

It’s possible all the insipidly cute anecdotes of married life Amber Heard’s people are spewing out to the gossip mags are one hundred percent truthful. She and Johnny Depp are still headed for let’s just be friends who fuck other people. Cute couples get divorced easily. The bar is just way too fucking high. He used to carve you bath soaps in the shape of your childhood pet. Now he shits in the sink. Couples who can’t stand each other never break up. Shitty relationships are lock down strong. You look around one day and ask yourself when did it all go to hell, then you remember it’s always been crappy. You toss back a couple and that seems kosher. Amber, call me if you’re not in lesbian switch mode after the divorce. Actually, call me either way. I’ll bring my Bob Crane camera and circus peanuts. Catholicism has taught me how to masturbate in total silence.

Photo Credit: Elle Magazine