Holly Madison Reveals Nothing

Ex Playmate Holly Madison is writing a serialized memoir in US Weekly in giant type to compensate for her lack of material. She details extremely unshocking revelations such as Hugh Hefner likes to do drugs and fuck. For some context as to how mind blowingly uninteresting this is, one of her major talking points is that he kept lube in the room. I know you’re playing the naive vibe but you’re supposed to put it on your holes when you’re fucking a gross old guy for free rent and enough notoriety to be on a shitty reality show. Madison claims Hefner was abusive and often belittled her appearance and once even tore off some of her body parts being held on by Velcro. A press release explains the psychological trauma of being paid to sit around in pajamas:

“After losing her identity, her sense of self-worth and her hope for the future, Holly found herself sitting alone in a bathtub contemplating suicide.”

When you feel you’re losing hope and suicide seems like a reasonable alternative to getting a job it might mean you’re fucking lazy. I never heard Madison complaining when Hefner was giving her things. Life is tough. I might suck on a creepy old guy’s smelly dick for a few million bucks. Of course I’ve never been offered. Count yourself lucky. At least he didn’t ask you to explain how a seesaw works. What does the fox say? You punch in at 7 am.

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