Bruce Jenner Begins Life as a Completely Self-Absorbed Woman

The release of the heavily airbrushed photos of the world’s worst father caused everybody and their former Little League baseball coach to stop and think, fuck, I’d like to be a hot woman. No gay. Jinx. Bruce Jenner has made transitioning into a beautifully Photoshopped woman half his age look like a breeze. If you happen to have a couple hundred grand and six months of free time, I’d say, you might get halfway there with some friendly mirrors. For the rest of the gender dysmorphic trying to get kindly Uncle Fred to take out a third mortgage just to pay for testosterone blockers, you’re on your own.

If the Vagina Dad to Caitlyn Jenner transformation teaches us anything, it’s that crappy parents who put their own interests way out ahead of their children’s will never truly be content. Everybody gloats about getting over on their boss. But nobody’s ultimately proud of themselves for sucking at their job. Bruce Jenner had one. Despite your secret desire to be a fetching gal, don’t ditch your first set of kids and don’t let your second set be turned into whores by your creepy insane wife. He failed. Retreating into the wonder of She-Me might provide temporary solace, but the laws of self-respect ultimately apply. I’m sorry I fucked up as a parent. I’m sorry I killed some broad on the PCH. But look at me in this slinky little number. I’m finally happy with me me me me me me me me…..

Photo Credit: Vanity Fair