Jessica Alba Filthy Rich

Jessica Alba’s company which she somehow founded yet only owns twenty percent now has a valuation of $1 billion. The Honest Company sells designer diapers and peanut allergy kits to trust fund babies being groomed as the next generation of people who text in traffic and flip you off when they swerve into your lane. Alba herself has a couple kids and she’s better than you so if you shit one out you’d better do exactly as she says. Lest you want the other babies whispering how that cheap whore on the Hungry Hippos is wearing generic ass powder. At this point Alba’s supremely boring performances in subpar films are purely for the love of mediocrity. Nobody wants to take ass wipe advice from a 40 year old retiree. Fork it over, her butthole just passed the klieg test. I could use another round of Police Academy.

Photo Credit: Forbes