Soccer Boring and Corrupt in Equal Measure

Half of soccer’s governing body FIFA just got arrested in Switzerland on charges of being corrupt bastards for as long as anybody can remember. It’s widely known that the worldwide soccer federation is filled with officials who actively rake envelopes full of cash for arranging international matches and picking crappy countries to host the World Cup. The International Olympic Committee understudies with FIFA to learn how to steal shit more effectively. The U.S. Attorney General finally got a big enough bug up her ass to start issuing indictments on FIFA officials for snaking more than $150 million in illicit funds. Maybe she just got sick of hearing about how soccer is the most popular sport in the world. Or watching ninety minute nil-nil matches where players kick the ball backward to their own goalie in between faking femur fractures for free kicks.

I’m left with the question, who gives a shit if FIFA takes cash and whores to host their 2022 World Cup in Qatar where they’re using Indonesian slaves to quick build enough stadiums so that every citizen of Qatar gets their own after the World Cup is over? As though government contracting in this country is particularly any different. Every male on this planet who doesn’t subsist on warm rice porridge understands that American Football is the beautiful sport, followed not far behind by NBA basketball. Just look at what one billion Chinese started getting into the minute they were given an option beyond soccer and 1960’s Schwinn bike races. People love soccer like they love network television before cable. If they behead these FIFA officials it will be the most exciting thing to happen in soccer since they stopped using lamb bladders. Two months until preseason football. Off with their heads!