Bud Light Is Rape

Bud Light makes a shitty watered down beer which doesn’t seem to bother people nearly as much as their advertising campaigns designed to deflect attention from their shitty watered down beer. They’ve been running this campaign about Bud Light being “the perfect beer for whatever happens” for about two years. If you’ve ever drank Bud Light you know whatever happens is excessive trips to the bathroom to whizz then pounding five more cold ones hoping your liver stops processing the alcohol out faster than you can drink Bud Light. Among the quips printed on their bottle labels is “The perfect beer for removing ‘No’ from your vocabulary for the night”. It’s neither funny, pithy, or catchy. But according to people with moral compasses set to outrage mode, removing ‘no’ from your vocabulary by way of alcoholic beverages implies men getting chicks loaded and raping them full of babies.

Jesus, how much Bud Light does this chick quaff down that Anheuser Busch ordered a full-stop at the bottling plant on her threat? And then she’s going back? Nobody has backbone anymore. The allure of a six pack for $2.99 is simply too strong. Somebody should check if it’s even scientifically possible to drug a woman by way of Bud Light. Here you go, naive freshman, it’s a 30-pack suitcase, drink it up, all the cool girls are doing it. I’ll be back next Thursday to rape you when you’re done.

Booze is a most definitely a major factor in sexual assaults especially among our coeds. You want to suggest eliminating booze altogether? We tried that. Picking on Bud Light is like telling Lena Dunham to stop chewing her fingernails. That’s not why she’s fat. Nobody reads the labels on Bud Light, they’re already too embarrassed they ordered it.