Kristen Stewart Secretly Gay Married! Fuck, Wait, I Don’t Care

A gossip site which seems to use a random word generator to develop shocking headlines, claims that Kristen Stewart and her two knuckle honey bunny Alicia Cargile, were secretly married. They also claim that her relationship with Robert Pattinson was pure public relations stunt, that Stewart’s always favored girls, and that she can flip pancakes with just a spatula and her vagina muscles. The marriage would be another bold step in Kristen’s plot to make her parents feel bad for not giving her the Dora the Explorer backpack she was expecting for child acting school graduation. I doubt the marriage bit. Kristen seems content to Google ‘what does a lesbian look like’ and visit various welded art exhibits around town with her scissor sister. If you were wondering what it might have looked like if Luke had submitted to Vader, and both enjoyed fingering each other to brooding singer songwriter acoustic guitarists, hello, friend.

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