Gwyneth Paltrow Scaring People

When Gwyneth Paltrow approaches, you can count on two things. First, she’s going to tell you that you look amazing but you’ll quickly realize she’s really talking about herself. Second, she’s going to reluctantly share a crazy sex thing she’s into and you’re going to be forced to pretend it’s true. Paltrow’s public relations teams enacted Plan 9 for Gwyneth Paltrow when she and Gay Beethoven split up. Women with reputations for being cold don’t do well image wise when their man leaves them. The standard plan calls for (1) insisting you’re good buddies with your ex, (2) dropping dating rumors involving handsome co-stars, and (3) leaking as many crazy sex stories into the fatty gossip sphere. I don’t know if it works. I know Gwyneth Paltrow won’t stop talking about her sexual adventures. She went on Ellen and admitted she’s a member of the Mile High Club. She seems kinky. I wish she were my girlfriend. Let’s go see her movie, twice.

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