Joanna Krupa Talks to the Animals

Most of the time we catch animals, we kill them, gut them, and eat them. I feel like this isn’t conveyed strongly enough to the animals we maintain in zoos and parks. Maybe they’d stop bitching so much. At that Danish zoo, they hacked up a perfectly healthy giraffe right in front of the other giraffes and fed his bloody carcass to the lions where all the animals could see. The giraffes knitted a fucking sweater for the head of the zoo and got it on his desk the next morning. The accompanying note said, get us the acacia tree, don’t get us the acacia tree, we’re good either way.

These days everybody’s on about the Sea World animals. Thanks to the Van Allen radiation belt, many people today can read the minds of animals. The whales are telling these intermediaries that they’re unhappy in captivity. Like Willy from Free Willy, who was actually a killer whale named Keiko stuck in a crappy aquatic tank in Mexico City. After the movie came out, the whole caring world got on their galoshes and air lifted Keiko to a much nicer tank in Oregon, where he quickly developed skin lesions from the different water pH. So they air trucked Keiko once more to Iceland where he was trained for survival then set free in the orca filled waters off of Norway where he died a slow and painful death from pneumonia. In his final moments Keiko recalled his crappy tank back in Mexico wondering how much harder her could have telepathed the message, leave me the fuck alone. It’s warm and they feed me.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews