Lindsay Lohan Mosquito Threatens Polynesia

Lindsay Lohan notified the world she’s playing through the chikungunya virus she contracted on her current vacation to French Polynesia. Chikungunya is a poor man’s malaria, or a really lucky man’s Ebola, contracted through tropical mosquito bites. Lindsay’s going to be recovered in a week. But who shall care for the lowly mosquito who unwittingly just had himself a very bad day? That’s Lindsay Lohan blood on your proboscis, buddy. You have no idea how much shit you just sucked into.

This isn’t the kind of mosquito we can wait to plunge into amber and then unearth one thousand years from now when cures for even the most savage viruses are sold for a buck at the corner bodega. This insect needs to be captured, quarantined, and studied by scientists who won’t be tempted to sell the deadly cocktail they uncover to ISIS for a few million. I’d put a bounty up now. By the time you hear the high pitched buzzing, your genitals are already filling with puss.

Photo credit: Lindsay Lohan Instagram