Mark Wahlberg Seeks Pardon For Hate Crime

Mark Wahlberg is seeking a formal pardon from the State of Massachusetts for assaulting two Vietnamese guys in the 1980s when he was in his racial assaults experimental phase. Wahlberg hit one dude with a big stick while yelling “Gook” and “Vietnam Fucking Shit” and sucker punched another dude so bad he was left blind in one eye. Wahlberg claims he wants to be pardoned to set an example for today’s youth, who in no way give a shit about Mark Wahlberg:

“I want people to remember my past so that I can serve as an example of how lives can be turned around and how people can be redeemed.”

Or, not receiving a pardon might serve to remind kids how there are consequences for their actions. If you’re jailed for being a roided up teen who liked to beat on blacks and Asians who dared walk through his neighborhood, maybe you don’t get to have your record scrubbed just because you were mildly okay in three of your seventeen movies. I’d double the old sentence just for producing Entourage without any idea of what to do after the second season.

It’s believed Wahlberg wants the pardon in order to obtain a Concessionaire’s License for his Wahlburgers chain of burger joints. That might explain why he’s decided to dredge up his mightily shitty past behavior. Moolah. If this story hadn’t gained big traction online, perhaps he might’s received the pardon for a small contribution to a Massachusetts State library fund and six-dozen Pain & Gain irregular size tees for the Boys Club. Slightly less simple when a half-blind Vietnamese dude is featured in magazines asking for his eye back.

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