Will Smith’s Kids Need a Dwight Howard Buckling

Being raised by undercover Scientologists with an open marriage, a boatload of cash, and a belief that a typical upbringing will hinder the blossoming of your Xenu blessed offspring is bound to backfire mightily. In the case of Willow and Jaden Smith it has manifested itself into two teen beatniks who spit out bad poetry and cult physics via Twitter and unnecessarily high profile magazine interviews purposely designed to help these two mini-prophets spread their message. I have to imagine the Smith family publicist is on a roof top repeating ‘It’s all for you, Damien’.

Trolling the Smith kids for dumb quotes is like throwing a quarter into a payphone and watching it comically shatter and spill hundreds of dollars of coins onto the pavement. These two feed off each other like the creepy pair of incestuous orphans they find living in abandoned subway stops in bad British indie flicks:

Willow: Caring less what everybody else thinks, but also caring less and less about what your own mind thinks, because what your own mind thinks, sometimes, is the thing that makes you sad.

Jaden: When you’re thinking about something happy, you’re thinking about something sad. When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple.

The problem with poorly reasoned Wiki philosophy is sometimes shit like “you also think about the opposite of an apple” is going to pop out of your mouth and you’re not even going to realize it.

Jaden: It’s proven that how time moves for you depends on where you are in the universe. It’s relative to beings and other places. But on the level of being here on earth, if you are aware in a moment, one second can last a year. And if you are unaware, your whole childhood, your whole life can pass by in six seconds.

Willow: Because living.

Defenders of the mini-Kants are insisting that all teenagers are idiots who say dumb things. There’s some merit to that argument. But most teenagers don’t get New York Times magazine articles and the ability to ruin major motion pictures and modern popular music. Most self-confident nonsense spouting teens are still forced to socialize in a normalizing school environment where you quickly learn that shit that gets you noticed in AP English will get your ass beat by the jocks beneath the bleachers. So you learn the most valuable life skill of all: knowing when to shut the fuck up.

Photo Credit: Twitter