Oscar Pistorius Had Angry Blue Balls

Reeva Steenkamp’s mom wrote a book about her daughter because it’s not a tragedy until somebody gets a publishing deal. Mom claims Reeva would not allow Pistorius to have sex with her during the entire time they dated. I actually just assume dating means fucking so now mom’s got me confused. These two must have ridden a lot of Ferris wheels and eaten a lot of ice cream. According to Mom, Pistorius was a violent lunatic who couldn’t handle the fact that Steenkamp was planning to leave him. Sure, easy to cast aspersions after a guy shoots your daughter a half dozen times through a closed bathroom door. People should start writing these books before murders go down.

Maybe the months and months of blue balls finally caught up with Pistorius. It’s one thing to have no lower legs, an entirely different thing to have a ninety-day nut. I’m not condoning the murder, I’m just imagining sleeping next to a naked model who won’t let me touch her night after night and thinking maybe I heard a dangerous intruder in my bathroom as well. As always, the moral of the story is not to date men high tech titanium blades for feet. Just plain assholes. Find a man with old school stumps and make him your husband and you’ll never be sorry.

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