Dog Receives Award From Human Servants

The American Humane Society announced the winner of the 2014 American Hero Dog Award at a posh Beverly Hills celebration carefully guarded from homeless people. All of the dogs were rescued, or found, depending on your choice of words after suffering horrendous abuse at the hands of psycho meth fiends and hungry Vietnamese families. This year’s winner is Susie, who celebrated the big award by going outside and taking a shit. Susie had a fucked up life and it’s great she has a loving home. Animal abuse is terrible and people who hurt furry creatures intentionally ought to be forced to watch network television so they too might suffer.

Many philanthropes choose to start with humans and work their way down, but whatever helps you sleep at night is fine. However, giving an award to a dog is pretty fucking inane. If you did the hard work of caring for a wounded canine, take the award for yourself. The dog is cute as all hell but much like your average high school cheerleader, he has a very limited understanding. The dogs just want to go home and defend the property against squirrels and hump something warm.

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