Beyonce A Pregnant Nightmare

Jay Z announced his wife is pregnant again or pretending to be pregnant or they found a surrogate willing to be killed after delivering the baby if her family can be airlifted out of Borneo or some shit. This one might be real because Beyonce is making insane demands of the people she keeps around to tell her she looks great in that face mask and that her last bowel movement smelled like Hidden Valley Ranch.

Members of her entourage are being required to only talk in soft voices, keep room lights on dim, and only listen to mellow music that reminds you of having a root canal in the 90’s. Once the child is delivered by golden tongs into this world, it will be free to bump Jay Z’s “Too Many Hoes” on repeat.

The baby is a huge blessing for Beyonce. Acting like a massive cunt is usually frowned upon, but having a bun in the oven or paying another woman to do the same gives you some leeway to bitch it up and throw that plate of asparagus against the wall because they aren’t organic. Don’t feel bad for Jay Z, he gets to fuck the lady who cleans up the asparagus after Beyonce retires to her calming couch.

Photo Credit: Instagram