Taylor Swift Jumps the Taylor Swift Shark (VIDEO)

I’m not sure what drives people with the power to turn shit into gold to abruptly change their turd supplier. Taylor Swift has decided to leave her wildly successful crappy country singer-songwriter roots for a turn at being Miley Cyrus circa 2009. The result is Shake It Off. Taylor Swift’s new single from her album she describes as the turn to pop music that her inner muse and her label insisted she make.

“I feel like for the last two years there’s been sort of a sonic evolution happening and I’ve been experimenting more and more. And I think you have to follow, just this intuition, this gut feeling. As a songwriter, you just write to write a certain kind of music and you don’t know why.”

The song itself is a simpleton’s over-produced version of her previous songs about how to ignore stupid boys and haters on the Internet. Haters gonna hate hate hate. Players gonna play play play. Yeah, the fuck whatever. Sonic evolution. Twelve year old girls are to music what fat people are to Vegas buffets. There’s not a lot of time spent on qualitative deduction. I would be okay with this entire assemblage of raisin-laden defecation if it weren’t for the last sixty seconds of the music video where ungainly awkward fat kids, “the normals”, all shake off societal hate. What’s the message here, Taylor? Ugly kids are all secretly frustrated victims of an unwritten social caste system that treats them like dirty mongrels? Okay, that part is true. But we don’t need Taylor Swift auto-tuning our childhood trauma in our face. Bring back the guitar and the mean songs about Jake Gyllenhaal or I’m getting rid of my fucking lunchbox.