Farrah Abraham Wants Jessica Alba to Play Her in the Movies

When US Weekly gets an exclusive with Backdoor Teen Mom, you know it’s going to be fucking riveting journalism. Farrah Abraham agreed to do a no-holds-barred interview with US in exchange for US pretending that people are actually buying her creepy erotic novels and that there is interest from Hollywood in turning them into a movie series. Like the Hunger Games, except where Katniss gets scourged in the ass by President Snow for the first 45-minutes.

Farrah claims that she’s constantly being hounded by the throngs of fans in her mind asking her to play Fallon Opal, the sex tape ingenue and central character to her ghost written masturbatory fiction.

“I’m not going to do a movie with this, so many people are obsessed with that idea, I think I’ve done, myself, enough TV, and me, obviously I would never be in a video or a movie of my book because that would be crazy I mean, I guess I could—didn’t the Wolf On Wall Street guy kind of do it? Even though, it was such a different story and it was kind of absurd when like the plane goes down in the ocean, and I was like what?”

Farrah’s reps really need to request no verbatim quotes next time she goes on the record. Yes, Farrah, you’re very much like the Wolf of Wall Street. If by Wall Street you mean your rectum and by Wolf you mean James Deen’s cock. That all seems implied. Since Farrah’s erotic novels will inevitably go to the big screen, she would like to recommend Jessica Alba or Sandra Bullock play the role of Fallon. I was going to more realistically suggest Storky, the chick in the back brace who gyrates uncomfortably at my local gentleman’s club, but Jessica Alba seems like a strong possibility as well.

“I will be acting in two movies [of my own], and I’m kind of staying closer to roles that are Christian-based”

Well, there goes anal. That could hurt gross sales. Although Kirk Cameron really nailed a similar transition.