Farrah Abraham’s Hawks Her Pink and Her Stink

I’m thankful to have lived until science could produce a latex replica of Farrah Abraham’s splayed pelvis. Sex toy makers molded Farrahs vagina in a mix of vulcanized rubber and expired bonito flakes to give it the touch, feel, and aroma of Teen Mom cooch. But the product is labeled and promoted as Backdoor for a reason. There’s that rubber pucker hole that allows you to feel just like porn star James Deen making a romantic ass to mouth graphic video that gets leaked to the media against your wishes. Men don’t normally brag to one another about their masturbation habits, but that all changed the moment Farrah Abraham stepped onto the shoddy red carpet laid out for her at a Pomona restaurant hoisting what looked like the world’s most inappropriate child booster seat. If you’re not high-fiving your office co-workers because you went men’s central jail on her imitation ass the night before, you might as well return your passkey to the winner circle. You’re not getting that promotion. God damn we live in wonderful times.

Photo Credit: Splash