Jason Patric Stands Up For Sperm Donors

Jason Patric’s battle for custody of his son Gus is back on and heating up. The little guy was created after Patric jerked off into a 500 ml glass beaker and handed it to his girlfriend outside a clinic and told her to go make a new life. His former girlfriend, Danielle Schreiber, claims that Patric was just a sperm donor and was never supposed to be the father. Patric claims the two were having sex for a good many years and they only took the pop-in-a-cup route when they couldn’t conceive in the traditional manner as seen in porn. Schreiber upped the ante by claiming Patric liked to drop ant-Semitic remarks and was physically and verbally abusive. Patric says Schreiber used to call him a dumb dumb a lot. Which seems about even. Since Patric is in Hollywood, he inevitably began a charitable Foundation called Stand Up For Gus, determined to win back parental rights for sperm donating IVF baby daddies. You can donate to the cause which I’m pretty sure is just Jason’s legal fund and get a t-shirt or the chance meet Mel Gibson.

Since we can’t actually control meteors, it’s always hard to know who to root for in these situations. I’m inclined to root for Gus but sizing up his genetic blend I’d have to say he’s already truly fucked. I’m going to go ahead and side with the fertility industry in general. Those good folks who have figured out how to bring the miracle of child birth to barren couples who can now hoist their offspring atop Pride Rock before the millions of unwanted and starving babies in the world in need of parents and say, ‘Hey, look what we made, pretty fucking sweet, right?’.

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