Bella Thorne in A Bikini

Bella Thorne is somewhere between 12 and 32 years of age. You’d need a saliva sample to circumvent the publicist and the Disney machine secreting her birth certificate like a Dominican youth baseball scout. She’s the last best hope for the Thorne family who have run a few previous girls through the Hollywood machine only to come up with some part time amateur topless models. Bella’s got a hunky older penis proud boyfriend, a hit teen Disney TV show, and she’s lined up in about a half dozen major films, all of which translate to major lip gloss and snazzy purse merchandising bucks. More than enough dough to make her parents mock the people who warned them not to drop their kids off at the thickest blue Megan’s Law address dots they could find on the sexual offender registry map. Look who’s laughing now, you shortsighted tools who made your kids finish middle school.

Photo credit: Splash News/FameFlynet/Pacific Coast News