Rob Kardashian Too Fat To Be on the Bride Side

Rob Kardashian doesn’t want to go to sister Kim’s magical third wedding because he’s too fat. Rob has been steadily gaining weight over the last few years and is embarrassed that he doesn’t look like a plastic demon-troll like the rest of his family. Rob is whining to anyone who will listen that he feels like he’s going to stick out like a fat Armenian thumb if he goes to France for Kim’s heavily staged nuptials. Rumor has it that the two haven’t been that close in recent years because, you know, she’s an evil ambitious bitch like her mom and he’s a self-pitying fat lounge-about sock-designer who secretly hates his family. Instead of slamming cheeseburgers down his gullet, it sure would be interesting if he went to the wedding and took hostages in whatever chateau has agreed to barter their historical soul for cash. The mere idea of CNN reporting on Rob Kardashian threatening to blow up his entire family in the castle keep gives me a Kate Upton level boner. Go to Paris, Rob. Please. Bring your years of pent up rage. They have McDonald’s. And plastique.