Duck Dynasty Backlash Backlash at Cracker Barrel

When people laud democracy and diversity and tolerance and such, what they really mean is, this shit is great when people agree with me. When they don’t, time to cut that Kumbaya crap out and start a boycott or sign an online pledge. Corporate America is largely a bunch of nutless weasels. When they get thrust into the middle of culture battles, they never know which way to kneejerk. Cracker Barrel put out notice they were canning the Duck Dynasty licensed merch in their country marts because Phil Robertson thinks Sodomites aren’t going to heaven. I guess they made this decision without anybody pointing out that their store is called ‘Cracker’ and it’s based heavily in the South. So they got a shit ton of backlash on their backlash and were forced to wet themselves in poorly worded apologies:

When we made the decision to remove and evaluate certain Duck Dynasty items, we offended many of our loyal customers. Our intent was to avoid offending, but that’s just what we’ve done. You flat out told us we were wrong. We listened.

Cracker Barrel’s mission is pleasing people. We operate within the ideals of fairness, mutual respect and equal treatment of all people. These ideals are the core of our corporate culture.

No shit your mission is pleasing people. You’re jumping over the pleasing table like a whore desperate to make rent. At what point exactly did you realize that doing something that would offend 95% of your customers was not such a great idea? You can’t take both sides in a fight, you simps. That’s not how life works, even in the majestic Eden that is the Cracker Barrel country store.