You Won’t Be Seeing Tori Spelling’s Vagina Any Time Soon

Whenever I see a girl with a face puckered like an IBS ravage bunghole, I often think to myself, I wonder what she’d look like with her sweaty husband closing his eyes and squirting another baby into her. But unless you’re a dirty delivery nurse at Cedars, you won’t be seeing Tori Spelling’s billowing cooch any time soon. The girl who climbed the fame ladder by sheer force of charisma and dramatic tour d’ force has confirmed that she is not entertaining offers for the private sex scene she filmed with her husband. The existence of the taped scene was a revelation in Tori’s latest memoir, Spelling It Like It Is, her fourth or fifth such memoir filled with juicy nuggets such as how many times she folds the bathroom tissue before she wipes, how much she hates her mom from not stopping her from morphing into a scary muppet creature, and pragmatic tips for being broke at 40. Unlike her sex tape, after flipping through the book you won’t feel like you just drank a quart of expired egg-nog.

Photo Credit: WENN