Home Alone with Baby

Just once I’d like to see a Hollywood couple press release on their newborn like this one we’re proposing for child-star turned coke-addict Macaulay Culkin and fading hottie Brenda Song:

“We’re shocked that all the drunken sex we undertook – often with each other – lead to an addition to our family, who will be shuffled off to our maids’ care like our purebred dogs. Although we expressed our ‘undying love’ for each other in public, we didn’t think it would come to this – seems no birth control is 100% effective – and this baby will surely complicate our evenings and pre-nup.

If you’re wondering why a 40-year-old former child-star stuffed a formerly hot Asian babe – you know, from the “Facebook” movie – we are also questioning our motivations (greed, lust, ego, coke), but will give it our best shot. Please watch our movies and buy our merch so we don’t have to sell our baby shower to People.”

You can Google Culkin’s comments from back in the unenlightened time of 2018 – suggesting he “throw one into her” and “make little Asian babies” (sic) with Song – to get a sense of how much forethought went into this pregnancy. Meh – at least the kid will grow up cute and rich.

_{Story By: Esquire}