Jeff Bezos Buys Another House

It’s been a busy few weeks for The Richest Man in the World, Jeff Bezos – purchasing another mansion, naming a hockey arena (only in Seattle is the name “Climate Pledge Arena” not pretentious), and testifying before a congressional subcommittee. According to Big Media, Bezos was “grilled” and asked “tough questions” about Amazon’s syndicate, under the “spotlight” of congressmen and women who probably needed their teenagers to tell them what Instagram is.

Bezos was contrite and “authentic” and ready to help – he also could have laughed maniacally and threatened to buy Congress and have everyone rolled down the Capitol steps. When your net-worth is north of $180 billion, it must be hard to give a shiz what sub-millionaires want.

There’s a reason why fellow godly rich technoweenie Mark Zuckerberg was played by Jesse Eisenberg in that Facebook movie – they needed someone adept at portraying a sniveling knob. In an Amazon movie, Bezos would be played by Russell Crowe, who also doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the affairs of mortal men. We all cower to men who could beat you in your own house or have it and your city and country burnt to the ground – just like the real Amazon.

One thing Bezos isn’t busy with is the pandemic, and before you ask what a technobillionaire knows about viruses and vaccines, keep in mind that 180 B can fund a lot of research, PPE masks, or those shaky things that test tubes sit in. Instead of buying lakeshore houses on a whim maybe hire 100 idle Portland protestors to drive around the south shouting “stay home!” out the window of their Smart Car. Dead anti-vaxxers can’t renew their Prime Account, Jeff!

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