Kat Von D’s Boobs Are Barren And Unable To Feed Baby

Kat Von D would like you to believe she’s some sort of counterculture outcast living life on her own terms. But she’s honestly just another female edge lord that cornered a niche market, women that enjoy needles filled with ink and not vaccinations. I mean, if you’re going to put yourself at risk for a whimsical case of whooping cough, you might as well have a gnarly sleeve for the nurses to stare at. Personally, my edgy decisions in life peak at problematic Christmas jingles. I’ve been barely below the legal limit daily listening to Baby, It’s Cold Outside and Rudolph the Red-nose Reindeer since December started. It’s an offense that doesn’t have an abundance of bad karma attached to it.

Kat Von D —  the celebrity tattoo artist and makeup guru — who welcomed her first child, son Leafar Von D Reyes last month — revealed that breastfeeding her newborn didn’t originally go according to plan.

“During the first two days of Leafar’s life, his blood sugar count had been low, and as much as I had committed myself to strictly breastfeed, my milk hadn’t come in yet,” she began the candid Instagram post.

“The pediatrician suggested asking around to see if any friends might have a bit of extra milk they could donate – and if not, I’d have to consider supplementing with formula – something we personally did not want to do,” Von D, 36, continued.

The makeup artist went on to explain that she called her midwife, Sara Howard, in hopes that she would know someone who would be willing to donate some of their breastmilk. In addition to sharing the milk, Von D also requested that the person be on a strict plant-based diet, as it was “crucial” to her and her husband Leafar Seyer (birth name: Rafael Reyes).

I feel like Kat could fulfill her magical quest for very specific milk by checking out what that shady character by the Whole Foods trashcan out back in a trench coat is selling. Genetically engineered infants and meat-free boob juice should be available in a 2 for 10K deal if she can talk him down. Kat has enough money to import illegal breastmilk straight from Cambodia but instead wishes some soul in the Los Angeles area on a strict plant-based diet donate some of their can creamer. Amazing. It reminds me of that one time a wise man in a large SUV told this other man in tattered clothes and cardboard box real estate that beggars can’t be choosy. I like to think that’s the last time the homeless man got pissed off at a stranger for bringing him a burger instead of a beer. It’s one thing to wallow in your stupidity alone, but making others suffer is a sin. I bet her pets get put through the same pain. No vaccines or meat. She has an angry rabid vegan cat in the house somewhere too weak to attack her and just fed enough to live out the rest of its nine lives at her house in a meatless hell.