Tristan’s Preferred Kardashian Pats Herself On Back

I need a little more convincing that Khloe Kardashian’s purpose on this Earth isn’t parallel to that of the primary purpose of petroleum jelly, mostly existing just for butt stuff. At least you can’t get Vaseline pregnant should you carelessly unload. And Vaseline has the common decency to never say stupid things aloud like “I really handled my baby daddy’s infidelity incident very well.” If Tristan had a choice, he would have just as easily came into a sock. It just so happened to be fate’s hand that allowed Khloe to be closer the night she conceived. And for the record, there’s no prize, pride, or award given for continuing to be an NBA player’s official jizz receptacle.

Khloe’s hot-take on how she handled her man cheating:

“I chose to put my feelings aside for the birth and to try and have as much positive energy that I could. My only thought was about the birth of my daughter,” Khloe explained to her followers after allowing Tristan to be in the delivery room. “I wasn’t going to let ANYONE disrupt anything less than what she deserved. Joyous love. I chose to be mature & strong for True.”

She continued, “I waited for this day for so many years! I know now, looking back that I was in shock because I couldn’t believe that this would ever happen to me but I’m still very proud of myself for how I handled everything. True gave me the peace and strength I needed.”

Khloe took Thompson back because athleticism is a common ground and glue-like connection between the two. He dribbles a ball. And she’s skilled flipping back and forth between sanity and delusion while still maintaining the belief that she came out on top after the dust settled. Also I’m pretty sure they have heart to hearts about muscle memory. He tells her how he crafted his amazing automatic-like shot. She tells him how there’s no woman capable of moving a cheeseburger to their mouth faster than her. Put a Whopper in Khloe’s hand and her elbow reflexively forms the perfect 90 degree angle optimal for mouth insertion. She’s like the Michael Jordan of McDonald’s and always treats eating like a sport. Her surgeries aren’t fooling anyone. Everyone knows she’s a fat girl at heart.

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