Gisele Bündchen Suffers Low Self-Esteem From Badly Replaced Boobs

Our current hedonistic society, and most rap songs, hint that the key to happiness is having more. More is better. Mo’ money, mo’ booby if you ask Gisele Bündchen. Her top half even had one of the greatest returns on investment in history after it netted her a $25 million dollar contract with Victoria Secret. But after her money makers slowly deflated over the years like a budget friendly Costco air mattress suffering from excessive use and horny horseplay, she’s starting to feel unfulfilled inside. I feel her pain. Two decades ago she enough tit tucked away to feed every hungry orphan in the village. These days, she’s lucky to be able to feed two kids. So she got a boob job to feel better. But it only made her feel worse as her breasts are now lopsided and unleveled.

After breastfeeding Benjamin and Vivian, her children with husband Tom Brady, for more than 18 months each, Bündchen says her self-esteem took a hit when she realized her breasts were now smaller than before — and slightly uneven.

“I was always praised for my body, and I felt like people had expectations from me that I couldn’t deliver,” Bündchen, 38, says in a revealing interview in this week’s issue of PEOPLE, on stands Friday. “I felt very vulnerable, because I can work out, I can eat healthy, but I can’t change the fact that both of my kids enjoyed the left boob more than the right. All I wanted was for them to be even and for people to stop commenting on it.”

In her memoir, Lessons: My Path to a Meaningful Life, Bündchen reveals that in 2015, she discreetly went under the knife for a breast augmentation — a decision she says she immediately regretted.

If Gisele needs a second opinion about her bosom I’d be more than happy to take a look. According to her, Tom Brady supports Bündchen’s botched job and the fact that she’s exposing his children to more harmful plastic than baby sea turtles. Don’t worry, the government is waging war on plastic straws right now. Eventually someone will have the courage to pass a law banning Gisele’s boobs, as they are equally as harmful to the environment as those deadly one-time use hollow tubes meant to make drinking beverages 20% less of a hassle.

Photo Credit: Gisele Bundchen from Getty Images